I think back to a week ago, the plans, the choices available to me, the 1,000 different things we might do. The concern and fake prayer for other counties and cities affected by this virus that will go away soon and won't really touch me . I have only had one other time in my life where my brain had to wrap around a new way of thinking in such a short time.
This is not cute. this isn't something that makes a good post and then I really move on un affected.
~The pros and cons~ this has had a great focusing effect on most of us. All of the things that mattered a week ago do not. all the things that i needed. I do not. I realize how much I love my people. I want to hug each of them . I can't wait to make dinner with them. I am soaking in every small thing. I am realizing that the control I thought I had was always an illusion.
~perspective~ I have done a couple days of tears. This is what's true. I have always had a hard time grieving things because of the comparison game. ("whatever I am losing is nothing compared to those in Italy and other parts of the world. People are dying!!and you are worried about money, and your life being uprooted") My perspective and empathy has grown so much because I am learning the power of BOTH! I am seen, I am known, my feelings are not a problem when I am crying and scared , Jesus stops and holds me and feels pain in his heart like I do when I see my little girl scared and confused. even if I have the answer to what she needs. I still feel pain because I can see pain on her face and she is my heart, she is part of me. once I have the freedom and security in knowing that...my perspective and empathy can grow roots and deepen for people around the world. I can pray from a pure place. not white knuckle duty while I shove my own fears down because I don't deserve them. When I accept that I am seen, and I am not too much, my capacity for other peoples fears, problems, and reactions are not a drain. not to fix, just to sit with, and let them know that they are not alone. There are so many ways to support our neighbors and local businesses, friends and families. let's do it, take action, help anyway we can. but first sit with ourselves. let our compassionate patient father who doesn't judge, or become drained. Let us stare down the lies that we have been told and are telling ourselves. allow ourselves to be soothed and whispered to by the the father who is Emanuel. (with us) so that we can teach our kids who are watching , and all of those around us how to be secure and held when we are scared. I have learned this week and the one other time that my life has stopped on a dime on this same scale. (When our born son was still born.) That I go through layers. I push my closest people away, before they have a chance to get tired of me and abandon me. I want to burry my head in the sand. I get tired, I want to take action and clean out all of my junk drawers. (and in today's case)I want to help our community, organize a prayer chain for Italy, and for all the healthcare workers risking themselves in an overran system! All of this is good and right. But I want it to be a response, not a reaction. I am learning the difference between the two.
Our beautiful guest house that was booked solid, has lost almost every booking, with a full refund. I am thinking about it's purpose. Our hope is to supply cozy comfort to someone stranded, or hopeless. we are in the middle of the story with new information being blasted out every day. I feel like I am trying to drink from a fire hose.
My kids are a guiding light. they have a simple perspective. they are healed by a good walk or hike. They are happy to be home with us. My husband and I are learning that they needed about 10% of their toys all along. I am grieving for our world and healing at the same time. I am scared, and comforted. !BOTH ARE TRUE! The laser focus that I feel emerging out of my sleepy foggy mind is a gift. How are you feeling my friend? do you know someone affected with the virus. what are some ways to help?
"Is He worthy? Is He worthy? HE IS!!" -Andrew Peterson