I have been on a break from podcasting and writing. not for introspective reasons, but because what started out as a family adventure in April, ended up being one of the craziest times of my life.
Cody and I have been wanting to make a drastic move for over a year. We wanted to downsize everything. save money, clear our schedule. The purpose of this was to pay off some pesky medical debt and buy a home, chase some big dreams. The HOME part is very tender for me because our first home that we owned and loved, we lost due to a painful medical situation (a story for a different day). The beginning of this year felt like the beginning of a new dawn for us. We were saying yes to dreams, saying no to obligations, and putting up some long needed boundaries, it felt good.
We decided to pull the trigger, get rid of most of what we owned, and live in an RV! The plan was to do some fun adventuring with the kids for a few months while we looked for a house and saved up some money. Cody would work during the day, and I would have fun with the kids in our sweet city and do some traveling to visit friends. Last year I pursued counseling. It was such a gift, so cathartic, I learned so much. and this was my time to put all that I had learned into practice. !!!Yay me!!!
What started off as some whisperings of a virus that was affecting some other countries, suddenly stopped our whole wide world as we knew it, precisely after we'd made our decision to leave our house. House shopping and the pre approval process suddenly became very slow.
Two days before my 37th birthday, the day we were moving out.....I got a HUGE shock and found out I was pregnant. We marched forward with our plan and moved into our trailer but all the fun things I was going to do with our kids were cancelled and shut down. I grew increasingly ill over the coming weeks from my pregnancy. It was an adventure alright. all day in a trailer with displaced kids, throwing up and feeling horrible. There were some really sweet things that were revealed along the way, but I grew angry. Self pity and hopelessness set in hard. Doubts, fears, and insecurities that had been lying dormant in me for all of my adult life were on the surface big time. They had always been there but I was able to keep them at bay with activity, and noise. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has felt this, out of control feeling, in the last weeks and months. I couldn't smooth out my ugly, it was running me. I almost felt entitled to it, and imprisoned by it.
In the past weeks there have been many important social issues brought to the surface. I am thankful for the awareness and I believe now is the time to do something about it. Although, we can only fight for positive change from a place of health. I find it so easy to not manage or deal with my own unhealthy behaviors, numb out, scroll online, and spew my anger into issues that make me feel a little better about myself for a minute. I am so challenged to put my phone down. breath and get healthy. To stop managing people around me and in the world, pursue health. Then come back to these social, racial, political issues within your community with a clean mind. I have become toxic on a micro and macro level. So disappointed with our world going to hell in a hand basket, and also finding fault with all of my dearest and closest people in my life.
I'm asking myself honestly what I do when I am scared, when I feel powerless. I believe most of the answers have revealed themselves in my behavior in the last few months. I started out strong, enjoying the free space and extra family time, praying for our country and world. But my boredom of the soul and impatience begged to be satiated. God is interested in my maturity, not my ease. He is better than I think He is.
I'm sitting now in my new home, that finally came through in the last minutes of my sanity. With a swollen stomach and a little boy growing inside of me, I'm much older, more tired, and so surprised by my life, at 37 then I ever imagined. I am excited because I feel whispers of peace and promise and undeserved favor washing over me like waves. I have always always always tried to hold my ugly so close to me. Being "nice and easy" to deal with has been my currency. This feeling of being fully accepted even after throwing a full blown, ugly hissy, is new to me. I don't recommend it. I only hurt myself and my family. But it is never too late to start breathing deep again, trust the process friend.
P.S. starting up the new season of the Bonding time podcast. please look up and listen. Send me a message or DM me on Insta. I LOVE getting to know new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I want to know more of YOUR story!!