I am a dreamer. In all areas of my life. I love going for walks and looking at pretty houses and beautiful landscapes. I don't feel jealously, just inspired . If I feel disconnected from my partner and husband, Cody, most likely it is because we haven't had any time to dream together. We look up places to visit on the internet, or talk about goals for the year. As I get older I realize that about one out of every ten dreams come to reality and thats good! I don't need them all. I just need permission to say them out loud to see if they will work. As time has gone by I have had a few things stick and take off. Our guest house (more to come on the story of that), the Bonding Time podcast,(I am so green and awkward, the more I do it more I know that I have to learn) it is life giving & energy giving. For the time being it is a total gift to me.
The Selah Creative retreats & creative nights that my life long friend Amanda and I have had the pleasure of starting. All these things and the projects stemming from them have risen to the top. I feel vulnerable and a little scared doing them, but in a very good way. Like they were meant for me in this time and place.
The CATCH- the more these projects grow and take shape, there are a lot of details that come up that are important. They need to be taken care of in order to be able to invite others to be apart of them, and to get them done in an effective and quality way. I'm faced with two choices: I can avoid these things that are a growing stack, that I am not good at, only do the fun parts that I exceed in, and then, when I reach my ceiling, I slowly burn out. Or, I can also hold it all close, micro manage, take it all so personal. This way I can avoid showing my work and dreams to others so I don't have to feel the vulnerability of asking for help. The narrative in my mind is always, "They are busy, don't bug other people with your stuff, they have a lot going on"....
The Third option is the right one for me. !!ASK FOR HELP!!! Be teachable and humble. What seems like an insurmountable and overwhelming road block for me, is the thing that is easy and inspiring for someone else. Most of the time there is someone out there who feels shy about using their talents and gifts, they are waiting to be asked. This has proven to be true so much for me in every project and relationship. I come from a long line of non-askers. So the practice of it feels strange. This is the story of this baby web site. I have tried for about a year to set it up and I feel stupid and over my head every time I sit down in front of a computer. I reached out to a friend who is so easy and gifted in it. It wasn't a drain for her. She gave me lessons. Set up my site and suddenly it seemed easy. When we were setting up the guest house, my brain was fried. I watched as my sister sailed through red tape and paper work that I couldn't make sense of. When I asked a budding designer friend to take a second look at decor and design decisions, I watched her come to life and bring out the very best in the old house. I LOVED that part of the process as well, it was my baby, but I felt strongly that if I held too tight and was not open to the vision of others, I would strangle the life out of something that was meant to represent freedom and the best parts of me. So now I am on a treasure hunt to find ways to turn my weak spots into strong spots by drawing on the the deep well of my community, being willing to set aside some money in the budget to delegate & get over myself so I can soak up every bit of what has been given to me.